An Evening with Paul David Tripp (Getting to the Heart of Parenting)

Last Night, and this morning, Apex Community Church in Kettering Ohio hosted a parenting conference with speaker/teacher/writer/stylish mustache advocate Dr. Paul David Tripp. We live about 45 mins away, have five children, and are greatly appreciative of Dr. Tripp's teachings. Sadly we were not able to go to the sessions for this morning, but in the opening sessions Paul did a terrific job laying the foundation of the weekend's conversations. My hope is to transfer my notes from the first two session and hopefully it will give you a springboard for further growth, study and evaluation. Also, if you ever have a chance to hear these talks, the seminar was called "Getting to the Heart of Parenting", I highly suggest you go.


SESSION I

What are you doing as a parent? What are you working on? What are you trying to produce? In other words, what is this (Parenting) all about?

The Bible is a Grand Redemptive Narrative, not arranged by topic, every word within has something to say about every part of our life. Simply turning to the passages that obviously pertain to you specific topic of interest means that you will miss the majority of what the bible actually says about that topic. Turning only to the verse that specifically mention parenting or children means we will fail to see the whole picture for God's purpose in parenting.

So, about that. What is God's intent/focus/job for families?

(Judges 2:6-15) What happens here and what does it have to do with parenting? Israel's premiere historical event has just taken place, they have entered that land of Promise and the first generation is passing away. The second generation, those born in the land of promise, have very quickly forgotten their God and are completely pagan. Who failed?

(Deuteronomy 6) Is the list of instruction that God gives Israel as the enter the promised land. Notice specifically verese 7 "You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." Essentially when you wake up, go on your way and fall asleep you should be opening you children's eye to the wonders of God everywhere, lest we forget. The failure in the promise land is not in any school, institution or church, but solely on the parents. There are essential facts about who God is that you must download into your child daily, facts that they must know in order to know what God wants. 

So what do these verses start to reveal about God's plan for the family?

1. The Family is...a theological community. That in your family God is THE CENTRAL FACT that everything revolves around. Teach you children that they are NOT the center, that God is the center. If you can look at your world and fail to see the evidence of God to point your children to, well then you are tragically blind. God's glory is revealed everywhere and we are to point our children to his revelation. We need sight to see His glory around us so that we can be instruments to open up the eyes of our children.
Three things children ARE...

• Revelation Receivers. God is everywhere and the brilliance of his mind and creation is displayed in everything, and you children need to be awaken to this fact. We worship and show to them the awe and beauty of God everywhere. If they are not already in awe of God then when it comes time to read the book he wrote they will be completely uninterested in what he has to say. On the other hand, "Oh the God that made the trees, and gives us food and revolves the earth around the sun wrote this book? I better pay attention!" See the difference? It is completely natural to talk about God all the time because he is everywhere, it is unnatural not to talk about Him!
• Interpreters. Children do not base and shape their lives based on the facts, but on the interpretation of those facts. They are constantly thinking, trying to learn, to make sense of, reason and philsophize information. Your children need to understand that the correct place to receive truthful interpretation is at the feet of the creator.
• Worshipers. Worship is an IDENTITY not an ACTIVITY. Like you, your children want to be their own god and make gods of things. Your child needs to understand that only one person is worthy of worship and it is not them! God must always be the center of affection, if not your child will truly insert themselves at the center.

2. The Family is...a sociological community. If being a (theological community) is commandment number 1, "love the lord your God with all your heart", then (sociological) is command number 2, "and your neighbor as yourself". In the family is the best place to learn true love, love that is self sacrificing and, loving others more than yourself precisely because they live in a home with people they did not choose to live with. Children are raised and sent out as adults with no real concept of this type of love or any intention to live in it. Parents, children learn this type of love from your example.

3. The Family is...A redemptive community. Are we modeling the grace & forgiveness in our families when our family members fail? We need to push everything back to the central fact of God. Does our language and actions reflect a God who will never leave us and nothing we say or do can push him away from his children?

SESSION II

Lets rethink our perspective in parenting. Parenting must be about getting to the heart of the issue. The greatest danger to you and your children is not something external, but something internal. (Matthew 15:11)

People live from whats inside their hearts, we tend to believe the opposite, that what we do is due to what has been done to us, but not out of the overflow of our hearts.

Let's DEFINE THE HEART: The Heart is the causal core of one's person-hood. (Where the Heart goes, so the behavior follows)

To often we address the behaviors of our children and not the heart. Our children's sinful behaviors flow from sinful attitudes of the heart. Again, behavior is not the problem, behavior is the result of the real problem, the sin problem that exist in the heart.

Lasting change in behavior therefore always travels the path of the heart. Treat the cause and not the symptom. Usually we are too easily satisfied with exchanging bad behavior for good behavior. Being so easily satisfied does not address the deep inward motives of the heart and doesn't produce real change but just smarter sinners who know how not to get caught. On top of this is un-biblical, an anti gospel, a reveals nothing of the way that God is, for God is NOT easily satisfied with mere change in behavior.

There 3 Main ways we treat the externals only.

(none of these deal with the heart)

1. WE THREAT: "If you don't do what I told you to you'll be in big trouble!" This puts you in the central position of God and demands that your children obey your sovereignty or face you wraith, but does teach them to honor an obey the one true God.
2. MANIPULATION: "If you play nice with your sister you'll get a reward." Now the child is in the central position of god, and they will act favorably towards you if you give them the right sacrifice.
3. GUILT: "I work so hard, and this is the thanks I get!?" Your children should learn about what grieves the heart of God, not what upsets you when your inconvenienced and don't feel like parenting the way that God has called you to.

Your call as a parent does not end when you are tired, when its after bed time and you just want them to go to sleep, or you have work to do and they won't leave you alone.

We have no real ability to change the hearts of our children, we can only serve as eye openers to the way that Christ changes hearts. Christ changes hearts through...

Confession & Repentance: Owning personal responsibility (you can't confess what you haven't grieved; you can't grieve what you can't see; you can't repent of what you haven't confessed) Lead your Children to confession.

5 Practical Questions to help get at the heart

(note, the wording and verbiage of each question is not important, but the order is)

1. (Get a grasp of the situation.) What's going on here/What happened?
2. (point them to examine their hearts, to look inward at the real problem) What were you thinking & feeling as this was happening?
3. (examine the behavior that the attitude of the heart birthed) What did you do in response?
4. (examine their motives and goals) Why did you do it/what were you seeking?
5. (get them to own it) What was the result?

CHANGE IS NOT AN EVENT IT IS A PROCESS

These questions don't lead to regenerate gracious Christian, but help to let them see how God views their sin and responds to it. These conversations with these questions happen a 100 times a day and a million times until they are no longer you children and hopefully the God of heaven will use this inward heart evaluation to reveal to them their deepest need for Jesus Christ. This conversation/question model the way that God shape's our own hearts.

It doesn't matter how well adjusted your kids are, if they don't know how to interact with God then they are anything but "ok"! Addressing the externals and not the heart will make your children like the Pharisees, clean on the outside but dirty on the inside

When we are angry at out children we are never actually angry because they have broken God's law, but because they have broken our corrupt laws.

So as parents we need to examine our children by first examining ourselves and our hearts. Start by humbly confessing that you don't want to parent needy whinny kids in the way that God wants you to parent them. Remember that no one gives grace better than someone who knows they need it and celebrates that they have received it.