Lonely

I was recently told that leadership, is lonely. This is discouraging news for someone who one: feels called to, and aspires to lead; and two: also happens to be in a pretty lonely storm of life at the moment. Some conciliation is offered in Isaiah, a similar "lonely" picture is painted in the prophecy of Jesus. "Isa 53:3  He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. " To paraphrase, Jesus came to be our friend and we gave him "the finger."

I should not have said "some conciliation", in fact there is more than plenty offered and to be had. Scripture reveals that the last moments of Jesus' life, before the most important moment in history, where completely lonely. So lonely that Jesus even felt cut off from God, quoting a psalms of David. "Psa 22:1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Now, if I only had a minute to offer some hope to someone in a similar situation as my own, i would probably leave it off here. Saying and hopefully encouraging "Jesus knows that feeling as well." He does, and this is immensely helpful and full of truth.

However, this is a blog. I really want to dwell in my loneliness and look for hope and peace; if any at all can be found. Now I don't want to come across as some sort of martyr, my trial is my responsibility, and largely the results of my failure to live the gospel. Maybe, by the end of this blog, you and I both will be better fortified to offer love, service and sacrifice in the middle of our loneliest trials. This is undoubtedly one of the hardest, but also one of the most important ways to learn to be Christ-like.

Back to the Psalms
I always say to Christian friends in a joking but also hopefully reminding way, that "the funny thing about the bible is that it is always right." This is doubly true when it is Jesus quoting scripture. We all know the bible is "right" but to what degree we believe it, or how much we trust it, is truly shown in trial. Most would admit, and if not, you are most likely lying, that in trial and in loneliness, the bible quickly takes a back seat. I would encourage you to do whatever possible, in your heart and mind, to correct this. If Jesus, from the cross, reached into his perfect mind and spoke from his perfect lips these words from the psalms; I think we would all agree that this is well worth our attention.

If I may, the psalms (chapter 22) as a whole is completely raw, open and honest about the brutality of life and our hearts. The psalmist moves from first feelings of despair, to remembrance to confidence in hope. What I love is that this is a real picture of genuine worship. Not clean, neat, dry cleaned or dignified, but full of despair, fleeting memories that seem overshadowed by present pains, sloppy but oh so hopeful. David, is known for a phrase, among other things, "I will become even more undignified than this." 2nd Samuel 6:22 In the Pentecostal circles I grew up in, this meant to become more charismatic, and perhaps there is some merit to that; but looking at the Hebrew, some translations get closer to the actual meaning of the word by using "contemptible" or even "vile" instead of undignified. This is great news for me because I currently feel just like that, full of contempt and vile.

Now I may be going out on a ledge, but earlier in the same chapter of Samuel we see that David was in fact angry at God (v8). I would be lying if I were to say that I've never felt this way before, especially now. I don't think that David meant that he would run the aisles at the tabernacle. It seems more as if he declared that he would be more honest, more open, more truthful about his feelings with his God. "I will bare my soul before my God and he'll sort it out!" It may very well be a true form of worship to tell God honestly that you are upset with him, but to still declare your trust in Him. "I am angry with you God! I know I shouldn't be, but its there and I have no where else to go so deal with it, get rid of it, or use it! I am at your mercy!"

Nothing good comes from our anger, our only and best option is to throw that anger into the heart of God. God loves us enough to embrace even our anger. Do not let you anger keep you from God, that is a trap and a lie. I have been to many churches that would seemingly discourage you from coming to God with an attitude, but this seems to me to be anti-biblical. Even when you are lonely and distressed..."Psa 25:16  Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Psa 25:17  The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses." and even when you are bitter "Psa 73:21  When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, Psa 73:22  I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you." Notice that those last verses where set entirely towards God.

How many of you have felt at odds with God, or at a distance from him because your feelings, even you desires, where less that Holy? Let me let you in on a secret...even you best intentions are less than Holy before God, and all people need the Grace and Mercy of Jesus.

Hope and Peace
I am hopeful in my storm. Jesus knows how I feel, and more over he cares about how I feel. It would seem that in scripture God wants me to plea to him in all of my feelings and emotions, that this may very well be some of the most honest worship that I may ever express. My peace is that Jesus took those feeling and those emotions to his cross and with my sin put them to death. One day there will be no more tears.